The Top 20 Moments of 2011

2011 has definitely been the most trying year of my life, but it still has been an awesome year.  I am so blessed. The first 5.5 months, I spent in Shanghai--I had an amazing time there, but I notice that I really didn't say much about my time there. So for all of my friends in Shanghai, please don't take it personal. And I guess, some are not really moments...but things that happened over a longer time. 

(from last year)

20. Cardinals win the World Series!!!

     Ever since I was little, baseball was my sport, and the Cardinals were my team. This year, they squeaked into the playoffs after a historic (as in, the biggest ever) comeback.  They were underdogs in their three postseason series, but won them all.  And had  one of the greatest games in baseball history (Game 6 of the World Series). Was all amazing.

19. Watching Sports:
     Living overseas, I have missed so much of my family's life. I was actually really wanting to come home for my brother's senior season, guess that wish came true, just not how I had planned. It is also always good to see my nephew play. And to see my niece getting into sports is fun. I know that these moments are important to growing up--glad I was here for part of it. Going to a Cardinals' game is something I have done every year, except last year, so it was good to get back into the tradition.  They lost the only game that I went to, but it was good to see Pujols one last time as a Cardinal.

18. Chiefs beat Packers! Not a great season, but a great game:

     So about every Sunday during football season we go to my sister's place in Arkansas. Two big screens and a projector make for good football watching. Our (dad, me, and April) favorite team is the KC Chiefs.  This year has not went exactly as planned as we have a losing record, but we did have a major win over the Green Bay Packers. It is really only relevant because the Packers were undefeated...until we beat them!

17. Weekend in St. Louis: Getting MBIA Courage Award, seeing Alisha's baby, going to Anita's dinner party:

     So this year has been dominated by my brain injury and all the effects of that. Missouri has it's Brain Injury Association convention once a year. This year, they gave me the Courage Award because I have maintained a positive attitude (not always in my blog, I know) and have tried to use my experience to help people. Also, while in St. Louis for the convention, I was able to swing by my friend's, Alisha, place and see her new baby. So cute. Also got to see her sis, and my close friend, Jessica. This whole experience with the injury has brought me back into touch with my friend, Anita. Anita was one of my best friends in and after college before we grew apart the past couple of years.  She is a doctor now and I happened to have my surgery at that hospital so she was able to come and visit a few times. Anyway, during that weekend in St. Louis, she had a dinner party (with mostly other doctors).  She cooked some awesome lasagna and dessert...and we all watched the Cards win Game 2 of the World Series.

16. Rehab: Working with fun therapists, talking to other patients, listening to audio books:
     I fought against going to rehab before being talked into it. Thank God that I did decide to go. In those 3 weeks, I improved so, so much. I went from being in a wheelchair to walking, from not being able to even watch TV or get on computer because my eyes were so bad to being able to read again. I met Charity, John, Shawn, Larissa, and Amy: my awesome therapists. They were all really fun and helpful.  I hope I will stay friends with them for a long time. Also, met some other patients that I was able to share my experience with. And at first, because I wasn't able to watch TV or get on computer, I was so bored in the evenings, luckily my sister and one of the therapists both got me some audio books.  Most of my evenings were spent listening to them.

15. Volunteering and speaking at Brain Injury Awareness 5K:
     Two of my therapists helped organize a 5K run to raise some money and awareness for brain injuries. They asked me if I would be interested in helping out.  I helped people get ready to run, encourage them as they ran, and I gave a speech. For a former Public Speaking instructor, it was not really that impressive, but it was good to get back involved in a positive way with the community. We doubled the amount of money they raises last year.  Who knows how much we will raise next year. A goal of mine is to be able to run it next year!

14. Having Mom and Dad come to China: And all the other support from the family--in the St. Louis hospital, at Rehab, and at home:
     If you ever want to see if your family loves you, fall off a balcony. Ok, don't really.  But man, did my family ever come through for me. My parents came to take care of me in China. My sisters and brother have done so much for me. And, of course, my nieces and nephew have been great too. It was kind of funny to see my parents learn to adapt to China because we come from a small town of about 1000, but Shanghai is close to 20 million people. That is a little bigger. :) Also, thanks for all the people who visited me in the Shanghai hospital, St. Louis hospital, Rehab, or at home.

13. Playing board games, cards, Wii, and karaoke with the family:
     My family is a big game playing family. Scrabble Take 1, Zero, 5 Second Game, Cranium, Apples 2 Apples, Canasta...they are all part of the arsenal. Though we can be a bit competitive, they are usually hilarious. And my niece got a karaoke machine for Christmas so we have been rocking that. On the Wii, bowling, Big Brain Academy, and the dancing game are my favorite.

12. Getting back to the U.S.--being surprised by people at the airport:
     Both my sisters and their significant others, my brother, my nieces, my Uncle Jeff and his kids were all at the airport in Kansas City waiting for us as we got off the plane. I have a song that I wrote that is talking about the best feelings in the world and one of them was "Finally coming home after too long away." Coming home is always exciting for me. It's just a good feeling to know that you are going back to your home and family.

11. Surprise Welcome Back party:
     My family and some close friends had a surprise for me the evening that I got home.  They said that my nieces were doing something at the church and wanted me to come.  When I walked in, everyone was there to surprise me. I was so excited to see everyone. Thanks everybody.

10. Birthday party with family and friends:
     It was pretty small, but it was a nice birthday party.  My old boss/coach/friend, Tom, had a birthday barbecue for me. His kids and family, as well as mine, and a couple other folks were all that was there, but we had a good time.  Hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill, birthday cake, some pool playing, and then Men vs. Women in Outburst (its not important who won). Turned 29 this year, almost the big 3-0.

9. Benefit Auction where I got to see a lot of old friends
     As you can see, friends and family played a huge part of this past year (they always do, but maybe even more this year). To help pay for some of the medical bills and other things, my friends organized a benefit auction for me. It was the day after I got back from rehab so it was good opportunity for me to see people. Thanks to Heather, Heather, Sam, Michael, Scottie, and anyone else who helped organize it. Anyway, they had a silent auction with some good stuff, food, and even auctioned off some pies.  It really helped out.

8. Getting back into church: including Youth, Friday Night C.P.R., and Freedom House.
     One of the things that I regret the most is that I never really found a church family in Shanghai--my own fault. When I was injured, the church helped pay for my parents to come and take care of me...and that was a church that my parents had just started going to and I had never even been to. That kind of compassion is one of the things that draws me to the church. Beyond the normal Sunday (morning and evening) and Wednesday services, we also have Youth on Tuesday night and C.P.R. on Friday night. C.P.R. stands for Community Prayer Room; we do a lot of worship (through song) and prayer. Freedom House is not directly from my church; it is actually a couple of members that organized it.  It is an African school and orphanage that rescues girls from the slave trade...mostly the sex slave trade. If you were like to know more or sponsor a child, check them out on facebook (or ask me). The URL is http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100002775057228

7. New Firsts:
     Or should I say the firsts since the accident. I think some of the highlights for me were: 1. The first jump-I was at a church event on Halloween, and we were doing a song that says we are going to "Jump in the river" and there is an action (jumping) that goes with it...I decided to try jumping; I did it!  I had tried earlier after the accident and couldn't do it so it was a big excitement for me. 2. The first jog-This actually came before the jump, but not much.  I was at the local YMCA.  I went to the basketball court and jogged across it. It was uncoordinated and imbalanced, but after more than 6 months, I was able to jog. 3. The first time playing racquetball: Okay, so I am still really bad playing, with my vision trouble (the lack of depth perception mostly in this case) and balance issues, but I am able to play. I go to the YMCA one or two times a week with my brother and brother-in-law and get some exercise.  We have a good time and burn a few calories.  I have gone from being in a coma TO not being able to sit up TO being in a wheelchair TO walking with a cane TO walking normal TO jogging TO playing racquetball--it is pretty amazing to see the progress.

6. Thanksgiving football
     I have been abroad for the past two Thanksgivings so it was nice to be back for this one. Football, Family, and Food--how can you beat that? The whole Jennings gang--around 100 folks-get together for the festivities. The guys always play a game of football before dinner; I was all-time quarterback because I am not that good at running or catching quite yet, but I can throw just fine. Then we eat; then we usually grab the guitars and jam for a bit. Probably my favorite holiday.

5. Being home for Christmas
     Like Thanksgiving, I have been gone for the past two. Christmas just means more when surrounded by family. I think everyone here, especially me, have an increased appreciation for family now. We opened presents, then went to church, then came home for lunch, finally my college roommate and his sister came over to play some board games. It was just perfect.

4. 10 year class reunion:
Wow, time flies. The reunion was in two parts: a picnic during the day and at the bar at night. The picnic was nothing too exciting, but good. We talked and watched the kids play.  Why are so many people my age married with kids???  Guess I am getting old. That night at the bar (no, I didn't drink), we had a good time enjoying each other's company and listening to the band. I was the name tag maker; somehow few people actually ended up with their name on their tag.  I put on a lot of silly nicknames. Anyway, we had a good time, and it was great to see everyone again.  Hopefully, it is not another 10 years before I see some of them again.

3. Taking voice and guitar lessons:
     Music has always been an escape for me.  When I am singing or playing guitar (not that I am that great), I forget about my accident, which will all the effects I still have is not that often.  So I signed up for a class at the local college and took some guitar lessons. Nothing too serious going on, but just having a good time.

2. Romantic vacation with Tania in Thailand
     We went on a short vacation together in China before, but had never left the country or done major traveling together before. We met up in Bangkok and had quite the time. We explored that crazy city first--seen some sights and got massages--then we went to a smaller city to see some temples and go bike riding, after that, we went down south to the beach on Koh Phi Phi island. We had an amazing time, being together and not worrying about work. And we even got to spend Valentine's Day there.

1. Seeing the Angkor Wat temples in Cambodia

      I went to Cambodia alone, but soon met new friends. First,  I checked out Phnom Penh and all the history there. Then headed down to the beach-enjoyed the sun, rented bikes, went to an all-night island party! I saved the best for last though as I headed up to Angkor Wat. The temples are AMAZING. You should really check them out if you ever get the chance.

Feliz Navidad!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I am going to keep this post simple: I am so, so, so happy to be home for Christmas!  I was gone for the past two Christmases so this holiday season spent with my family is extra special. I know it sounds cliche, but being with my family really was the best present that I could ask for. Of course, that being said, I did get some other presents too. :D



(my last Christmas home: 2008)

Inadequacy, God, and Girls

Okay, I apologize in advance for my lack of structure or planning in this blog (BTW, as a Public Speaking teacher, I would HATE when people would apologize beforehand for not being good).  I am just going to start typing and let whatever comes out come out.

A big thing on my mind the last couple of days is my cousin.  She had some health trouble yesterday, and they had to deliver her baby at 26 weeks (Think it is supposed to be 50 weeks, right?). Anyway, yesterday when we heard that they were going to do this, they were really unsure if mom or baby would make it. Prayers went up-from me and from many others I am sure.  Thank God that both seem to be doing well now. "Well" is a relative word at this point, but they are as good as can be expected. The baby only weighs 2.6 pounds so she still has a fight ahead of her. Please pray for them. Also, congratulations to my cousin for having a baby. I know it's something that happens every day, but it is still an amazing miracle.

Praying for her--praying for her life as it was a life-and-death situation--kind of made me feel a little silly for praying for myself and my healing. I feel like her situation is a little more important and we should not waste our time praying for less important things. This is not a new feeling because I have thought the same thing other times when I heard about someone dying or getting cancer or something else really bad. I know it is silly because God is so powerful that he can handle all of it. I just need to remember that. My healing may not be important to the world, but it is important to me.  And if it is important to me, then it is important to him.

On a similar note, sometimes I feel bad for praying for myself or asking for prayer because I feel like I don't deserve it. Maybe I am getting in too deep for a blog, but I will go on regardless. This is actually three-fold.  First of all, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I feel there are people that need it more than me. Secondly, I feel like people deserve it more than me.  They are just better people. Thirdly, I have the feeling that God blessed me so much in the first place: a great family, intelligence, athleticism..., but I blew it.  I did not live in a way that glorified God. The doctors and therapists keep saying that the "Old Freddie" is dead and now I must learn to live as the "New Freddie" (Obviously, they mean in a physical and mental sense, not spiritual). I feel like the "Old Freddie" failed. Really, I had all the opportunities in the world to do God's work, but I was too selfish. Once again, I know I am being silly; maybe my 3 "reasons" are true, but that does not mean that God will not answer my prayers.

God is incredibly forgiving, and I am thankful for that.  I am sure that he has forgiven me, but it is hard to forgive myself. If I would have died, like most people do after a 3-story fall, I would have made very little difference in this world.  And the difference that I made has not always been positive. My saving grace is that God gave me a heart for people. At times, I feel like I have really helped some people--through charity or mission work.  But on the other hand, I was a terrible influence on a lot of people. Through my actions and selfishness, I hurt a lot of people--Friends, girls, and even family. Maybe the "New Freddie" will make up for the old one. God must have kept me alive for a reason. Lord, please give me strength to forgive myself and follow your plan as I move forward in life. Please do not let fear or apathy stand as a barrier in my walk.



Change of subject! Though some of the same feelings exist, I will move on to my relationship. Man, it is hard to be in a long-distance relationship. It is even harder because I am going through what has been the most difficult times of my life, and I am doing it without the girl I love (For you that know me well--and I think I mentioned it before in one of my blogs--you already know she is in France). She was supposed to come in November, but due to a family health emergency (is that PC for her uncle got taken into the hospital?), she decided to stay with her family.  While I realize that it was probably the right decision--however, because of me and my selfish way, it really hit me bad. I was so excited for her to come--to see her for the first time since June--I was so disappointed when she did not make it here. But I am really nervous about seeing her again. Going back to the "Old Freddie" thing, it was him that had the relationship with her. I have changed in a lot of ways. Of the things that we used to do, many I cannot do or will not do. Will she like the man that I have become?  I think I have become a better man, but that is up to individual interpretation--and I won't even try to pretend that I am the same guy that she fell in love with.  And, truthfully, I am not the guy that fell in love with her.  Will I feel the same way when I see her? What will the chemistry be like? And is our love strong enough to bridge the gap of two stubborn people trying to do what is best for themself? I guess we will see...maybe...if she ever comes here or, I guess, if I ever go there.

Sorry, I don't mean to come off as such a whiny baby.  I am not such a negative person all the time, I promise. These are just things that I have thought about. There are positives, but maybe I am saving them for next time. :D

Morning Sun

The rising sun paints the sky

And makes the morning bleed

Oh, I don’t feel like moving

But rest's not what I need

Crazy Week

Whew, what a crazy week. It was an exciting week (at least the last part of it)--good things and bad things.

First of all, some good.  It was birthday week in my family.  My mom, my older sister, and my brother had birthdays this week. Thursday (my mom and my sisters b-day), we went down to Fayetteville and went to Hohhot's (not sure on the spelling). It is a Mongolian BBQ joint.  Great concept and good food. We got to pick our food-meat, veggies, mushrooms, peppers, sauces, etc., and then they cooked it on a giant grill in front of you in kind of a stir-fry way(Ciao in Mandarin-just in case you wanted to know what I learned in China...lol, though there was no wok), if that is possible. It was really good.  I have such an amazing family, and they were all there!!!  I ate too much, of course. On Friday, me, my bro, and my younger sis played board games for a while, and then my sis went to bed and her husband joined in as we played some Halo on XBOX.  I am absolutely terrible, I mean REALLY terrible, at it, but it is good to hangout with the guys. Saturday, I seen my old boss (who is also a good friend) at Wal-Mart.  I was supposed to go to my grandma's for a work day; instead I hung out with him for the day.  That evening, for my brother's 18th b-day, we hit up some casinos and went to Olive Garden.  Nobody really won big ( I think my sister won $30), but it was a good time at the casinos--the first time for my brother. Sunday, was another great day at church--always love being there.

And the bad...I guess there were 2 bits of bad news that I received on Thursday.  I woke up that morning when my girlfriend called.  She was supposed to be on her way to the USA from France (where she is from), but her uncle was taken to the hospital so she decided to stay to be with her family. I hope her uncle gets better and the family stays strong.  It has already been 5 months since I have seen my girlfriend--I was so excited to see her--I hate that I will have to wait longer. We have spent more time apart (10 months) than together (8 months--1 of which I don't even remember after the fall) since we started dating.  Long distance relationships are hard.  That is a whole conversation in itself so I will go on. That afternoon, I had a consultation at the eye doctor.  The good news is that they think my eyes may be able to improve.  The bad news is that there are no guarantees of that, and they want to do a 40 week program.  Unfortunately, they don't take insurance so I will have to pay out of pocket.  It will be $5400, which is a lot, but at the same time, not that much.  The problem is that I just paid close to $10,000 in hospital bills in China (nothing compared to the $250,000+ that Medicaid paid here) so I am pretty broke at the moment and do not even have that much money to my name.  And to top it off, I can't drive or work to make money to pay for it.  Vision is important, and if I can improve on mine, it will be worth it.  I just hope I can find a way to come up with the money.  Ok, that is my bad news paragraph.  I am not too down or anything.  I know I am still very lucky--just thought I would get out what I have been thinking about.  Hope it all isn't too boring for you. To make it better, I will put a picture of me and my gal on here.  It always makes me smile at least. :D

Day(s) of THANKS!

Day 30: FOOD: Maybe this is symbolic of the weight I have put on over the past few months, but one nice thing about being back home is that I get home-cooking. Mom is a great cook, and we are lucky enough to get a cooked meal about every night.  I always eat too much, thus the addition of weight, but it is worth it.

Day 29: SPORTS: So this is two-part: the ones I watch and the ones I play.  To start with, the ones I watch: this mainly consists of the Cardinals, Chiefs, and Razorbacks.  The Cardinals are World Series champs in baseball!!!  The Chiefs are not really any good, but watching the football games is great family fun.  The Razorbacks (my college, University of Arkansas) really runs across many sports, but in football this year they have done quite well.  They will play in the Cotton Bowl at the beginning of the year! I was lucky enough to play sports nonstop as a kid.  Baseball, football, basketball, wrestling, tennis, etc...  Lately, I have been playing racquetball with my bro and brother-in-law.  My hand- coordination, depth perception, and balance are bad, but it is amazing that I am back to playing sports, even if I am not as good.  It is still a lot of fun!!!

Day 28: FREEDOM: The fact that I am able to get on here right now and not worry about what I say is really great. We, as Americans, have the freedom of speech, as well as many other freedoms.  I spent the last couple of years living in China; I have seen how a government can severely punish people for just what they say and also limit other freedoms (such as religion and peaceful assembly). We, Americans, like to complain about our government, but I am thankful for having one that is set on such solid fundamentals that give the power to the people.

Day 27: GIVING BACK: I think that life should not be just about us, but it should be about helping other people (And as part of that, God's will).  I have been on mission trips around the world, but I know that if we are going to see a major difference in the world that we are going to have to start with our own communities. So finally to the reason that I being this up, I am thankful for Chris. Chris is the music director at our church, and he offers free guitar lessons to anyone who wants to come out. It is a great bonding and learning experience for us "students." I know he doesn't have to do this, but he does it because he has a heart for people and wants to help them through what he loves.  It's great.

Day 26: ART: I bring this up because I went to watch a movie with my brother and a couple of his friends. But movies, music, and paintings all have the amazing ability to take us away from this world and it's problems, while at the same time reconnecting us with it as the same time.  Teaching us new perspectives and giving us inspiration.  I am so thankful for the ability to be creative. As a self-proclaimed artist (in a number of different areas), I think that using our mind in this artistic way is what keeps life from becoming boring.  Though, the people that get homemade gifts from me might not appreciate creativity quite as much as I do. :)

Day 25: COLLEGE BUDDIES: I already talked about Daniel and Anthony so I will skip them.  I tended to switch social circles a lot so this is hard to do. From the beginning, Melissa, Allison, and Sophia hung with me and Daniel to make quite a crazy group.  The basketball and soccer girls, as well as, the architecture group were most of the people we hung out with then. Through the next couple of years, the Bolivians and Indians and most other international groups became close friends. Had a lot of great times with the amazing people at Christ on Campus. My last couple of years, Anthony and I kinda had our group that consisted of, but not limited to, Maria, Rosa, Shelly, Lydia, and Julie. A few of my closest friends, and ones that I have stayed in pretty good contact, are Anita, Jessica, and Hien.  And, of course, there are my students...and teachers...and colleagues in the COMM Dept. 

Day 24: THANKSGIVING: I think this is my favorite holiday, even if there are no presents. :) Football, food, and music--that's my idea of a good time.  We go to my grandma's (actually, now to a church big enough to hold the huge family). The guys get to play a little backyard (cow-field) football while the food is getting ready. Always a good competition. Then, we pig out. Turkey, stuffing, yams, mashed potatoes, gravy, ham, veggies, and pies...yes, gotta have pies...apple, pumpkin, pecan, cherry!!!! So good.  Then, we usually get around and play some guitar and do some singing.  My family is quite musical.  One of my favorite things to do--sit around and pick 'n grin. :D

Day 23: THE BIG 4: These four guys have always been there for me; I am thankful for them.  Other guys (Wes, Tom, Ralph...) have been really close, great friends, but if I were to get married tomorrow, I'd ask these four to be my groomsmen.  I know that doesn't explain it perfectly, but that's the best I can do right now.
ANTHONY: Anthony was my college roommate and travel buddy many times. I feel like I am probably myself around him than anyone else. I can talk about failures, dreams, girls...whatever I want and feel comfortable.  And also, we are so goofy together; so, so much fun.
DANIEL: Daniel was really my first college friend, and then roommate for 2 years.  And when I say roommate, I mean we really shared a room in the dorms. We got to know each other well.  D is probably more like a brother to me, other than my real brother, than anyone else.  We have a lot in common, including our competitiveness, which has made for good times, but also a few arguments. 
KEN: Ken is my best friend from high school.  We were basically inseparable. Man, we had some great times and did some crazy stuff together.  I am pretty sure we were the greatest tennis doubles team in history.  And if not the best, definitely the most exciting. From wrestling to Route 66 concerts to Graphics Design to Home  Ec, we made everything fun.
Mike: My first friend, that's what I call Mike sometimes. We grew up together in good ol' Goodman. We would wrestle around as kids--oh, the good old days when I used to be able to beat him...now he beats me in like 10 seconds. One of the greatest guys that I know.  Last year, I stayed in the U.S. for about 2 months extra just so I could be in his wedding.  Fun weekend!  A great, old friend.

Day 22: TANIA: Maybe I should have put this higher on the list in case she sees this.  haha. Though this list is not according to importance. I recently received the bad news that I won't get to see my girlfriend for a bit longer, but I am still thankful for her.  Yes, she is amazing for sticking with me and taking care of me after the fall.  I know that scared her to death. But I was already thankful before that.  I could talk about all the things she taught me and the great times we had while we were a couple in Shanghai.  But I think I was thankful before that.  I guess, really, I am thankful for the way she can brighten my day with a smile. I know it may sound cliche, but on a bad day, it is her that I want to see.  That makes now, when I have my share of bad days, that much harder.  Thank God, I have my family, but I wish she could be here with me for this recovery.

Day 21: BEING AMERICAN: Even though I have lived overseas, I have never, not for a minute forgot that I am an American.  I love exploring new cultures, but this is mine. I never feel as comfortable as when I am at home.  Beyond that, I have so much respect for the foundations of this country--even though we have rough moments, democracy works.  I have been to many poor places over the years--the poor here is not the same as poor there. We have an amazing quality of life. I love my country, and I love its people.

Day 20: TRAVEL: I have been fortunate enough to have traveled quite a bit around this amazing Earth. I think, it is somewhere between 35-40 countries that I have travelled through.  Each country has something to offer: unique views, unique food, and unique culture. I have met so many interesting people along the way--other travelers and locals. And man, the things that I have seen and done.  It is more than most people get to see in a lifetime, and it is a miracle that I am still alive after all the crazy stunts I have pulled.  The past 5 months that I have been home since my fall is probably the longest I have been in one country over the past 6 years.  Its been fun...and I am not done yet.

Day 19: TIFFANY: Now, I would talk about my brother as it is his birthday, but I already did him.  So to continue the family theme, I will talk about my baby sis.  Ok, she is not a baby, she is 3 years younger than me, but she will always be to me.  My sister is truly the funniest person I know.  She can always make me laugh.  She is so goofy, in the best possible way.  I love going down there for game nights. She is so creative as she can make anything look cool. Tiffany was the messenger for me and my health when my parents were in China taking care of me. I have so many reasons to be thankful for her.

Day 18: DAD: If Mom pushed us at school, Dad pushed us in sports.  That may not be much to some people, but to me it is very important as sports have played a large part in my life. From great childhood and high school memories to 26 intramural college championships to making friends in China on the basketball court or Gaelic Football pitch to helping with my PT in recovery, sports have always played a central role in my activities.  Besides that, Dad takes care of my family financially...I just hope he knows that money is a lot less important to us than his time. 

Day 17: MOM: I know I already had one for my parents, but this is specifically for my mom.  Today, Nov. 17, is her birthday.  Mom got married early and started a family.  She sacrificed so much for us kids.  We had great childhoods because she made them great.  We did well in school because she pushed us.  Now, I am so dependent on my mom.  As I am not allowed to drive yet, I spend most of my day with her.  Luckily, she is great company.  She takes me to doctor's appointments, classes, church, guitar lessons...all without complaining.  I am lucky to have a mom like her.  Truly lucky.

Day 16: APRIL: My sister, not the month...though it is a good month. Her birthday is actually tomorrow, but it is the same day as my mom so I am moving my sister up one day and keeping my mom on the 17th. My sister is really one of the biggest influences on me.  In reality, probably the reason I went to the University of Arkansas as she went there first. I also worked for her at a restaurant for a while...she is a good boss. I usually only get to see her about once a week when we go down there to watch football on Sunday (she has 2 big screens and a projector with games on). I could go on and on about her, but I think I will just say: I love you and I hope life gives you more than you could ever expect. 

Day 15: GOOFINESS: One of the best things I like most about my friends is my ability to be goofy around them.  Too much of my life is spent being serious.  I like to crack corny jokes and be a total goofball around people.  Around some people I am quiet and serious, while around others I am overly-talkative and silly--haven't completely figured out why yet.  I'm guessing it is being comfortable around them, but what makes me comfortable around some people from the beginning?  Anyway, I bring this up because I have my voice lessons on Wednesdays--I am constantly laughing, smiling, and joking while I am in there.  Hopefully, I am learning something about music, but even if not, I am having a good time.

Day 14: Hope: I was originally going to put anticipation as my girlfriend flies in from France (her home) on Thursday, but I think hope may be a little more general and the good part about anticipation..the part that I love.  My dad once told me that we have to keep goals and hope in our lives; that is what makes us happy--gives us a purpose everyday.  The hope that tomorrow is going to be better, someway, somehow, is enough to keep us going forward--with a smile on our face.

Day 13: MIRACLES: I just watched a special on Congresswoman Gabby Gifford (she got shot close range in the head at an event in Arizona earlier this year).  At first, they didn't know if she would survive-the news even reported her dead-but now she is walking and talking.  It is a miracle how far she has come.  A real inspiration for me as she is a fellow brain injury survivor. Something her husband said that I liked: she was beat up, but not beaten.  I may be beat up, but I am going to keep fighting because I know I am not beaten--God still has a lot planned for me.  I have seen his miracles in my survival and recovery, and I know I will see more as I go down my path.

Day 12: SPORTS: I bring this up because we went down to April's place (my older sister) to watch NFL action--3 screens (2 big screens and a projector)!!!!  We also played some football in the yard: with my dad, sister, nephew, and Vinnie (my sister's  boyfriend's son). And I can't mention sports without saying something about the WORLD SERIES CHAMPS: STL CARDINALS.  The Razorbacks (my college) are doing well in NCAA football.  So while I am thankful for sports in general, I mean watching sports this time.  It is a good escape and, more importantly, bonding experience.

Day 11: ANIMALS: So we went to Dixie's Stampede today.  For those of you that don't know, it is a place where you get a dinner and a show.  The show is mostly horses, but have some other animals: pigs, chickens...  It is really cool all the things that they can do on those horses.  I grew up in the country so I have always loved animals.  It is nice to see animals...not just pets (yes, I know they are animals, but not the same).  Included in that is the deer that are by our house and the barrage of other animals nearby: armadillo, groundhogs, rabbits, and squirrels.

Day 10: HEALING: God made us, he can heal us.  I mention this today because I played racquetball again last night.  It is the second time that I have played against someone.  Just a few weeks ago, I was struggling to even hit the ball as I have double vision, loss of coordination, and lack of depth perception.  My brother, brother-in-law, and I played "cut-throat", which involves a rotations where it is everybody vs. everybody.  So each game there is a first, second, and third.  So far, we have played 4 games, I have won two of them.  It is miraculous that I am able to play. 

Day 9: MUSIC: I am thankful for this today (in particular) because I have my voice lessons today. I love how music can make the world fade away or it can bring it into clearer focus.  Songs can make us forget our problems or remind us of important relationships or great times.  To quote one of my own songs:  “A song and a smile can cure anything.”

Day 8: MY BROTHER: I don’t mean to make it seem as if he is more important than my other siblings, but it just so happens that tonight my brother, Jeremiah, was inducted into the National Honor Society. He is crazy smart and very athletic.  God has many great things ahead of him in this life. He turns 18 later this month; next year he will go off to college—I am so lucky that I get to be home during his last year here.  I hope he knows how much I respect and love him.

Day 7:   Not until my fall, in which I lost a lot of my vision, did I really think about how important it is. Looking at the beautiful changing leaves, I am thankful that I can still see that.  Though I have many problems with my vision at the moment, I have faith that my eyes will get better and that they will see a lot of amazing things in this world.

Day 6: CHURCH: So I actually went to morning church with my sister in Arkansas, but I returned back to Missouri for church in the evening.  I have been going to church most of my life, but I feel like I belong at this church more than any church in recent years. The people are super friendly, nice, and funny.  I love it there.  As an example of how kind they are, they helped pay for my parents to come care for me in China after my fall…even though I had never been to that church.  What amazing hearts they have there. Besides my home, I spend more time at church than anywhere else (2 services on Sunday, Youth on Tuesday, Wednesday service, praise and worship on Friday).

Day 5:   FREEDOM HOUSE: This is an orphanage/school in Africa.  A great cause. A few people from my church are the main people so I offered my services.  We had an auction, and raised about $21,000.  That is amazing.  People/businesses were so generous to donate items to sell, and people were compassionate enough to show up and bid for things (and also make cash donations).   I am especially thankful for Amanda and Timo for having the courage to start something they believe in.  I am sure that this will greatly affect a lot of children’s lives.

Day 4: MY PARENTS:  I have amazing parents.  Everybody should be thankful for their parents---without them, you would not be here. But I am especially thankful because I have exceptional parents.  Let’s start with my mom: Mom was the one that really pushed me to learn, even from a young age-I have curious mind and had full college scholarship as a result of that.  She has done so much for me over the years, through care and encouragement, but I’ll focus on now.  I am dependent on Mom, she cooks for me, takes me where I need to go (Dr. appts., voice class, YMCA), and takes care of me in many other ways.  Now, my dad: Dad has always been a role model to me.  He worked with me in sports (often coaching) and taught me how to work.  If you read my earlier post with the song I wrote about him, he taught me how to be a cowboy. 

Day 3: LIFE:  This can be taken two ways: First, it could be taken as thanks to my mom for giving birth to me, which I am thankful for, but I actually mean this in a second way—I am thankful to have survived 29+ years of living crazy.  So many times I have done stupid things that could have killed me or some non-stupid thing could have gotten me.  As most of my friends know, earlier this year, I fell from a 3^rd story balcony to concrete below…head first.  Most people die from falls like that.  Of the few that survive, most are brain dead or have severe mental or behavioral problems.  I am the exception.  I have healed so much and am continuing to do so.  Mentally, I am mostly normal. Physically, my balance is getting better every day and my eyes are functional. I am not back to 100%, but I am alive.  That is enough to be thankful for after what I have been through.

Day 2: JESUS:  I know, I know—this goes along with God, but this is in the redeeming power of Jesus.  I am thankful for God, the Father, sending His Son to Earth, and I am thankful for Jesus’s suffering and strength to live a perfect life and die for our/my sin.  Because of Jesus—because of his blood—I will get to see heaven.  What an awesome thought!

Day 1: GOD—okay, so I know that this is the most general answer ever, but God is number 1 in my life so I feel like I should start with Him.  To make it more specific, I am thankful for this wonderful Earth that God created.  I can see him every time I see a snow-covered field or a majestic mountain range or beautiful hummingbird or a cute kid…the list could go on and on.  So I am thankful for the awesomeness of God’s creation. Thank you, God.

So I stole this idea from my sister, who is doing this on Facebook, and I am sure got this idea from somewhere else.  But anyway, I think it is a good idea so I will do it. The whole thing goes like this, I’m guessing since Thanksgiving is in November, I will pick one thing that I am thankful for each day. 

So some days, it might be very general, while other days it could be specific or personal.  Some are things that we should all be thankful for, while others are things in my life.  Some are things that I am always thankful for, while others are things I tend to take for granted. 

I will update this throughout the month.  I have started with the first day being on the bottom so the newer ones will be on top. As we go through the month, I am sure they will get more interesting.

OLLIN (gold star for anyone who gets this [Ollin] reference)

You can breathe life in, or take the air out
Inspire greatness or create dread and doubt
When you got the reason, you've got the rhyme
Progress is made one step at a time
We need the storm that fuels desire
Forget the light, what we need is fire
Go all in or don't go at all
Greatness eludes those afraid to fall
Life passes by those who move too slow
When the earthquake hits, you gotta go

Dry Those Tears

After what you've been through
Go ahead and CRY those tears,
But cry them all tonight.

For when tomorrow comes
You better DRY those tears,
'Cause everything's going to be alright.

When Fear Triumphs

A cold heart cannot feel
What blind eyes cannot see
Love, peace, understanding

So often hidden behind prejudice and hate
Disdained and overlooked among
Doubts and disappointments
Beauty transformed
In the eyes of perceived enemies

No longer shining, sadly diminishing
Awaiting understanding, or better yet, a smile
When fear triumphs, we all lose

Hope still dances, but the music fades
Gentle souls sing softly in the distance
Masquerading as the naive
Wisdom fit for a child
Like the body, it is destroyed

In a cold world, I search
For innocent minds, open hears, and loving eyes
For in the mirror, they have been lost

Courage Award (Article from the newspaper)

http://www.neoshodailynews.com/features/x1535088888/-Fighting-through

‘Fighting through’

Local man who suffered brain injury in China receives award for hanging tough.

Neosho, Mo. — A Goodman resident who suffered a fall from three stories in China has received an award from the Brain Injury Association of Missouri

Freddie Jennings, 29, was presented with the courage award from the association on Oct. 22 in St. Louis. The plaque, shaped in the state of Missouri, reads, “Freddie Jennings presented in recognition of your accomplishments in life after brain injury.

“I was trying to fix a clothes drying rack (in China), and as I was standing on my Futon to try to reach it, it slipped; I fell forward out of the window and fell through an awning and hit a sign. I fell three stories,” Jennings said of the incident, which occurred April 15. “I was there two months after the accident.

Jennings was in China teaching through Missouri State University at the college’s international business school

“I was a public speaking professor/instructor and taught there for three semesters,” he said

Jennings was nominated for the award by his therapist. After the nomination, his therapist notified him that he was one of three people for the award

“I think that it is an honor for me (to receive the award) because it shows that I am taking a positive approach to [my injury],” Jennings said. “They are saying how a lot of people with brain injuries let it beat them. I am still fighting it. I am keeping a positive attitude for other people to see that. And maybe I can influence other people. (The award) is for showing a positive attitude during difficult situation and fighting through.

Jennings mom, Kathy, is also pleased with her son receiving the award

“I feel very fortunate that he is here and everything,” she said. “I am really happy that he got it. I think he wells deserves it (the award). He is a walking miracle I think.”

Jennings has not gone back to work, but is taking voice lessons at Crowder College and also guitar lessons, which he said is helping a lot.

“I am interested in music, so I am doing those things,” he said. “It is nice because I have time now.”

With the guitar lessons and keeping busy, Jennings said it is helping him recuperate and helping his brain activity.

“I do think that you have to keep using it or else you can’t stay the same,” Jennings said. “So you go forward or fall back, but you have to keep using it. You keep pushing forward or you are going to lose what you once had. I am playing board games with my family, different activities. Just things that keep me going, keep me thinking, I am not sitting around.”

Jennings is thinking about goals in the future.

“I have been teaching quite a while, so I like teaching, but the main thing that I like is the feeling of helping people,” he said. “I like helping people, whether it be through teaching or maybe through politics or music. I want to be able to reach people and help them… But right now, my full time job is recovery.”

‘Fighting through’

DAILY NEWS/TODD G. HIGDON: Freddie Jennings holds his award from the Brain Injury Association of Missouri. He fell three stories in China while teaching there.

 

Life of Goodbyes

Once again, I must go, some stay, others don't
If I return, the river will have changed
A new stream, a new world constructed
Better or worse, I cannot say, only different

In a life of goodbyes, a home can't be built
True friends are but an abstraction
Temporary comfort and adventures
Floating about, drifting slowly away

Stories are told, but quickly forgotten
Sweet memories fading with time
Yesterday's snapshot, blurred by today
And by tomorrow's ominous approach

The World I Know

THE WORLD I KNOW IS FULL OF hunger, pain, and greed.
IT CAN BE cold and cruel.
THE WORLD I HATE IS:
Silent betrayal
Me first
Tough luck
Turned-up noses
Unfaithful lovers
Unrequited love
Jerry Springer
Oil spills
Drug dealers
Children soldiers
Thinking inside the box
Pornography
Starving children
E-6
Callous hearts
Cold stares
Drunk drivers
Polluted rivers
Barred windows
"I can't"
Broken relationships
Brain injuries
Closed minds
THE WORLD I KNOW IS NEVER PERFECT...

THE WORLD I KNOW IS FULL OF passion, joy, and hope.
IT IS warm and friendly.
THE WORLD I LOVE IS:
Laughing children
A stranger's smile
Unsung heroes
Passionate kisses
Random kindness
Two-step and waltz
Sensuality
Gentle hug
Sunday drives
4-6-3 double plays
Fresh strawberries
Happy tears
Feet on the coffee table
Unconditional love
Shakespeare
"I do"
Natural highs
Live music
Unbridled excitement
Gentle breeze
Golden Anniversaries
Walks along the beach
Possibilities
...BUT IT IS ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL.

APPRECIATE LIFE'S FAILURES

If I have shown courage, it is not from me.  It is from the Lord and a loving family.  If I had gone through what I went through by myself, I would probably be depressed and crying. However, the Lord has given me strength and my family has given me encouragement.

I never thought about a brain injury survivor being someone who exemplified courage; that is why I was a little surprised when I heard that I won this award (BTW, I won the Courage Award from the Missouri Brain Injury Association). When I think of courage, I think of firefighters or soldiers...or some guy that wrestles bears, not someone like me, but if we look at courage as tackling a tough situation with a positive attitude, then I guess we can view brain injury survivors as courageous.

I have lost a lot from my accident.  I have vision and balance problems among many others, but, dammit, I am not going down without a fight.  I am going to battle through these things and continue to chase my dreams.  We all have a hand that is dealt to us (or that we later draw), and what is important is how we play our cards.  If we fold our hand, give up and call it quits, then we show no courage.  We let the situation win.  However, if we continue to fight (using God and those close to us as strength), then we can overcome.  We can move past circumstances and show our courageous colors. 

I have been told quite often how great it is that I am still smiling.  Of course, I am.  Do you know how much I am blessed?  First of all, I am lucky to be alive, but also, I have been blessed with the best family and friends in the world.  Most importantly, I have been blessed spiritually--God sent his only son to die for our sins and now I will live forever in Paradise.  Hallelujah, I have been blessed--we have been blessed.  That is more than enough reason to keep me smiling.

Healing from the Lord



Just a few days ago, it was six months since I fell (April 15).  Its amazing how much I have recovered. 

Six months ago, I was in a coma.

Three months ago, I was in a wheelchair.

Now I am walking pretty good, starting to jog a little, and getting better in so many other ways.  Its tough to complain about my vision (which I will do sometimes) when I can see the miracle healing that is going on in my life.  So many people have been praying for me: If you are one of them, please continue to do so; if you are not, please start.  We serve the Great Physician and Healer. God made us; he can heal us.

Eyes of an Angel

Well, I put on here the song about my dad so I guess I should put on the one I wrote about my mom.  Both my parents have been beyond amazing in caring for me as I have gone through this with my fall.  I know people are able to see the physical problems that I am dealing with, but I don't think anyone can grasp what I am going through emotionally.  It would be hard to deal with balance or vision or smell or taste or hearing problems, but I am dealing with all of this, plus more, at the same time.  It really is hard to lose as much as I have...so quick especially, I think. Everyday it is a battle to keep a positive attitude--I NEED THE ENCOURAGEMENT FROM THOSE AROUND ME.  Luckily, I have a family -and friends- that have stood behind and walked beside me through this whole ordeal.

The line that started this song was "Seeing me for the man I want to be."  Maybe I haven't accomplished anything too special in my life...YET, but I have the potential and the desire to do great things.  It is that which my mom sees, at least, I think so.  I don't feel like I have to prove myself to her.  Like I have to do anything to gain her love -- she gives that freely.

Beyond that line, I hoped to touch on her angelic presence in my life and the fact that she does watch over me in a lot of ways.  This isn't the only reason that I love her, but it is very important and has shown me how to love other people.  How to look at those I love and how to treat them. 

Mom and Dad, I love you!



Eyes of an Angel

There’s so many things about you that I have grown to love
Your smile, and your laugh, and your tender touch
But when I look at you, the first thing that I see
Are those pretty angel eyes looking back at me
So full of passion, kindness, and care
Saying that you love me, and that you’ll always be there

Oh, the eyes of an angel, so pure and so bright
Shining like the stars on a clear blue night
Seeing me for the man that I want to be
Oh, the eyes of an angel, watching over me

I have failed so many times, it seems
But when I lost all hope, you taught me to dream
When I was down, I found strength in your love
Because you believed in me, I never gave up
It wasn’t what you said, it’s the way you looked at me
That gave me the hope I needed, that made me believe

Oh, the eyes of an angel, so pure and so bright
Shining like the stars on a clear blue night
Seeing me for the man that I want to be
Oh, the eyes of an angel, watching over me

What Makes a Cowboy

It's a crazy world we live in.  I guess it has always been crazy, but I wasn't around for any other time than the current.  Through my life (high school-college-real world), one thing that has really stood out to me is that so many people live unaccountable lives.  Thinking about it, I think one of the most important things about being a good man (or woman) is knowing responsibility, being accountable for your actions. Don't blame things on others; life is what we make it; the buck stops here; real men take responsibility.

Perhaps that is one of the reasons why SW Missouri is so Republican on a lot of issues (and don't forget the conservative church).  There is an accountability that is assumed...that is expected.  You get what you work for; you don't deserve anything more--or less. Welfare and universal health care will have a hard time getting support around here.  I understand that we should lend a hand to those that are down, but some people need to get a work ethic and a job--and get off the system. 

I am getting a little off track from where I meant to be headed so I will try to redirect a little.  The major influence in becoming a man, like most other men, is my dad.  Through his actions (more than words), he has taught me how to be a man.  He works hard (at the factory and out with the cattle) and takes care of his family. Taking care of my family and community is what I want to be able to do with my life.  I understand that there are going to be struggles that will go along with that, but bring it on.  My dad taught me to be a strong man so I can take it.

For the song below, I was inspired to write it by my dad.  Who not only showed me what it takes to be a man, but a cowboy.  It's not important what you wear--whats important is how you live.

What Makes a Cowboy

I’ve heard it said—that the cowboy way is dead--Like its something that’s been lost in the past
I tell them friend—they’ll be here ‘til the end--So don’t go ‘round talking like that
They’ll always remain—cause some things just don’t change--And thank God that they’re still about
Cause from the experiences I’ve had—when things go bad--It’s the cowboys that are gonna help you out

It ain’t the boots or the hat—or nothing like that
That makes a cowboy a cowboy, no sir
It ain’t the horse or the saddle—that really does matter
And it sure ain’t the buckle and spurs
With strong working hands—a strong independent man
He’s someone who’ll never turn his back
Oh, when troubles surround us—there’s still cowboys around us
But sometimes they don’t wear the hat

It ain’t the campfire jokes—or the Marlboro smokes--That make up a cowboy, my friend
Cause a cowboy’s a cowboy—will always be a cowboy--A cowboy will be there ‘til the end
When troubles abound—and everyone is backing down--The cowboy, he’ll stand and fight
Putting his life on the line—each and every time--To defend what he knows is right

Cowboy’s an attitude, a simple way of life--Ain’t something you wear, its something inside

Oh when troubles surround us--Thank God, there’s still cowboys around us
Though sometimes they don’t wear the hat

(Ironically, we both have cowboy hats on in this photo)

I know I put the link on before, but this should take you to my music page if you want to listen:

http://www.myspace.com/freddiesoul/music

Neosho High School Class of 2001

10 years.

We had our 10 year class reunion this past weekend.  Wooo...Class of 2001.

Watching people, not much has changed.  Some got married; some had kids; some got rounder, but, all in all, people are still the same.

Was good to see everybody!

This was actually the first time I have been around alcohol since I have been told that I cannot drink anymore.  It's not that I mind not drinking--I just hate the fact that there's something the doctor's tell me I may never be able to do again.  It's hard to give up anything long-term because of the fall.  That all being said, though I had wondered how I would react, it really wasn't all that bad...and it is cheaper not to drink. :)

Go Cards!

"We did it!"

That's what David Freese said after the Cardinals won the NL Wildcard.  The Cardinals were 10.5 games back about a month ago.  More than any team in history had overcome to make the playoffs--then they made their move.  (And got some luck).  Now they will head to the playoffs!

What's crazy to me is how deep superstitions are embedded into sports.  From lucky underwear to rally caps to dirty helmets...baseball is full of them.  What makes it more interesting is that it carries over to the fans.  I am usually a very logical person, but still I took part in my own superstition.  After talking about the Cards' chances for the playoffs before they lost their game (which I attended) on Labor Day, I swore I would not say anything more about them having a chance.  Not until they clinched the spot did I say anything. 



Speaking of the Labor Day game to which I went to--going to a game this year was one of the things, actually probably the only thing, that I said I  REALLY wanted to do this year.  Last year was the first time that I did not go to a Cardinals' game, and I really felt like I missed out.  Like I was killing a tradition.  See, usually we go for my birthday...sometimes a week or two before, but usually in August.  Last year, we talked about it, but, for whatever reason, never did make it up there.  Guess I will have to start a new streak starting this year!

Anyway, pop open the champagne!  Celebrate tonight.  Then go Cards!  Beat the Phillies!

Little Steps

I have had some breakthroughs the past couple of days.  To you, they may seem silly, but to me--they are actually pretty cool. 

Yesterday, I jogged for the first time.  No swimming pool or harnesses on a treadmill.  I jogged.  Don't confuse me, I did not go for a jog; I just jogged across the basketball court a few times.  I even was able to dribble a basketball as I went.  Sounds simple, but it is the first time I have done so since my injury.

Today, there was another first--I  was out by myself.  My mom dropped me off at the college an hour early.  I walked around, did some things, talked to some people.  Little things, but I did it alone.  Once again, simple, but a step in the right direction.

Man of Reason becomes Fool

Unsuspecting pair
City girl and country boy.
Cupid strikes again.

How else to explain?
Man of  reason becomes fool--
The power of love!

Whether side by side
Or halfway across the world,
My heart will remain.

In Times of Trouble

Everybody deals with stuff in their own way.  I just happen to use music. 

I stared writing lyrics when I went of to college through the inspiration of my Uncle Clay.  My college sweetheart bought me a guitar for my 21st birthday. And my Grandma has led the way in teaching me how to play it.

If something bad happens to me, I write a song.  It is my way of getting something positive from any experience. I can look back at anything and say “well, if that hadn’t of happened, I wouldn’t have this song.”
Maybe it is silly, but it’s what I do.  And now I say I have had few ‘bad’ experiences in life.  I recommend to anyone to do SOMETHING--whether songs, calling someone, talking to God…--when they hit a rough spot.

I have been declared disabled for the next year at least.  There are a lot of negative aspects to that.  But since I have the time, I have been taking guitar lessons and now I signed up for vocal classes.  Because of the negative experience, I will improve my playing and singing.  I may never be a rock star, but music is important to me in this way.  It gives me something positive when finding something can be difficult. 

If you want to hear some of my music, go to my Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/freddiesoul/music
See why I need vocal lessons???

Lucky Guy

I am a lucky guy.  My life is good. 

I get to relax around the house most days.  Play Facebook games when I want (LINGO is my current favorite). I have never eaten so well. I watch the Cardinals in the evenings.  Guitar picking when I feel like it. Spend time with my family; which is GREAT!  I know I don’t say it enough, but I love you.  All of you. So much. I have the most amazing parents that are fun and remarkably patient with me.  Get to be at home for my brother’s senior year.  Play around with my nieces and chill with my nephew.  See both my sisters and play games with them.  Grandparents are around.  Go to church a few times a week.  College and high school friends visit now and then. Like I said, life is good.

BUT…sometimes I lose the positive thoughts and the negative creeps in.  The accident, the fall, the injury, whatever I want to call it, has completely changed my life.  Sadly, it’s very consuming. It’s all about adjustment now. 

• Big City-Small Town
• Independent Living-Back at Home with the Folks
• Competitive Gaelic Football 3 Times a Week-Not Being Able to Walk Straight
• Being with my Girl-Not Being with Her
• Getting around Shanghai-Not driving in Goodman
• Busy with Hobbies-Can’t See Very Well or Focus Long
• Being an Instructor--Being a Student

Life isn’t bad, I know that, but, like I said, the change is consuming.  I ALWAYS feel like the guy with the brain injury,  very rarely I get to be just ole Freddie Jay.  I notice it when…

•  I stay in the car because it is easier than walking in the store.
•  My sister pushes me in a wheelchair because they are walking too “far” for me.
•  I sit in the wheelchair rather than playing with my nieces on the playground.
•  I have to go to the TV to change the channel because I can’t read menu from the couch.
•  I can barely look right or left to cross a parking lot.
•  I constantly am looking for something to hold on to for balance.
•  I paint like a 5 year old…maybe 4 year old.
•  My eyes lose focus during a sermon, and I have to wear my sunglasses…inside…in church.
•  I sit at home because I can’t help at my grandma’s house.
•  I forget everything…people’s names, words, if I took my medicine… 
•  People say I look good or if they say I look tired (both happen often).
•  I struggle to read a news article because of my double vision.
•  I get tired in the middle of the day even though I just slept 10 hours.
•  Too much (normal amounts) of sound or light give me a headache.
•  Sit on the deck that I built last year but couldn’t dream of now.
•  Watch people play sports that I can’t currently play. 
•  I go to the swimming pool and can’t submerge my head.
•  Can’t smell food or taste well.
•  Have to turn up TV so I can hear it.
•  Head, teeth, toes, legs, and about every other body part aches…yes, my teeth hurt.  Strange.
•  I have to get help with about everything

  

These are all things I can overcome, and I am getting better, but ALL of it at once is what makes it so hard.  It is on my mind almost always.  I never feel normal, and that is what is killing me. I just want to feel like myself.  That is something that I think everyone takes for granted.  Feeling like their normal selves.  You never know the value of something until it is gone.  I am tired of thinking of myself as a guy with a brain injury.

 

There are moments, no matter how brief, whether during a game, while listening to a good song, having an interesting conversation, or sometimes after a good dream, where I feel like me.  I forget my problems.  How great that is.  Really, more than you can imagine. 

I don’t know if I will adjust to it; not sure if I want to as I don’t want to get too comfortable.  I want to keep pushing myself to recover.  All I know is that it is hard.  And I would NEVER be able to make it without my family and friends. People who have the strength to forgive me for all my foolish ways and the love to help me in my time of need. 

I don’t want to sound too negative because I am, for the most part, pretty positive.  I just want to get it out of my system. And it’s better to do it on here than in person.  Thank you for everyone for your help. For your thoughts. For your prayers. I need them.  For a positive attitude, wisdom, direction in life, and healing. 

I am thankful for what I have in life.  I am a lucky guy. 

And for those who don’t know what happened:

Tried to fix a clothes-drying rack outside my apartment balcony.  Stood on a futon and ledge; futon slipped; I fell.  3 stories. About 35 feet.  Fell through an awning, hit a sign, then hit the concrete (April 15).

 

Rushed to hospital; spent some time in a coma, they didn’t know if I would make it. Spent 18 days in the hospital without even sitting up before they sent me home.  My girlfriend and parents took care of me.

 

Came back to the US (June 12); had surgery near my brain mainly to stop the leak of spinal fluid leaking from my brain through my nose. Spent two weeks in Saint Louis hospital, then 3 weeks in Missouri Rehabilitation Center in Mt. Vernon. 

Came home to Goodman on July 23. Been doing home therapy since; trying to recover.  My vision, balance, and memory are severely messed up still…but improving.