Inside My Stubborn Head

"When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did."

Live life passionately, and you will make mistakes--we all do--but there will be nothing to regret. Regret is a funny thing; I think sometimes it takes a while for it to get around to us. Maybe we do something, and at the time we do not regret doing it (or not doing it), but as life passes, we may learn something or the consequences become evident. Then, we regret it. Sometimes, though, we do something and immediately regret it, like yelling at your mom or telling a bigger kid to mind his own business. However, I was thinking about the things that take a bit before we really regret them.

I bring this up because I found a song that I started writing a while back. It was shortly after I had gotten out of a relationship with a girl. I had fallen in love faster and harder than I ever had. Then, I went and did about everything I could to unwittingly mess up the relationship. I had almost moved for her, but I didn't. I was set in my selfish ways, and I was not willing to sacrifice what I wanted for a relationship. Maybe, we would not have made it anyway, but at least we would have known, for sure, that we had given it a chance. What happened, happened.  I am not still hung up on it, but I was trying to give some context for the lines below and also share a very important time in my life. Also, I want to encourage you to take a risk and make that leap--don't let fear or selfishness keep you from pursuing something you desire.

A world of what-ifs reigns inside my stubborn head

I’m sorry was the thought, but it was never said

Second chance of hope, along with fate’s promises broken

The word was on the tongue but never quite got spoken

A man of mystery, too cool to show a grin

The still waters try to hide the panic within

A poem of fallen pride, forgiveness, and unadulterated care

Written and erased without ever being shared.

Eyes of an Angel

Well, I put on here the song about my dad so I guess I should put on the one I wrote about my mom.  Both my parents have been beyond amazing in caring for me as I have gone through this with my fall.  I know people are able to see the physical problems that I am dealing with, but I don't think anyone can grasp what I am going through emotionally.  It would be hard to deal with balance or vision or smell or taste or hearing problems, but I am dealing with all of this, plus more, at the same time.  It really is hard to lose as much as I have...so quick especially, I think. Everyday it is a battle to keep a positive attitude--I NEED THE ENCOURAGEMENT FROM THOSE AROUND ME.  Luckily, I have a family -and friends- that have stood behind and walked beside me through this whole ordeal.

The line that started this song was "Seeing me for the man I want to be."  Maybe I haven't accomplished anything too special in my life...YET, but I have the potential and the desire to do great things.  It is that which my mom sees, at least, I think so.  I don't feel like I have to prove myself to her.  Like I have to do anything to gain her love -- she gives that freely.

Beyond that line, I hoped to touch on her angelic presence in my life and the fact that she does watch over me in a lot of ways.  This isn't the only reason that I love her, but it is very important and has shown me how to love other people.  How to look at those I love and how to treat them. 

Mom and Dad, I love you!



Eyes of an Angel

There’s so many things about you that I have grown to love
Your smile, and your laugh, and your tender touch
But when I look at you, the first thing that I see
Are those pretty angel eyes looking back at me
So full of passion, kindness, and care
Saying that you love me, and that you’ll always be there

Oh, the eyes of an angel, so pure and so bright
Shining like the stars on a clear blue night
Seeing me for the man that I want to be
Oh, the eyes of an angel, watching over me

I have failed so many times, it seems
But when I lost all hope, you taught me to dream
When I was down, I found strength in your love
Because you believed in me, I never gave up
It wasn’t what you said, it’s the way you looked at me
That gave me the hope I needed, that made me believe

Oh, the eyes of an angel, so pure and so bright
Shining like the stars on a clear blue night
Seeing me for the man that I want to be
Oh, the eyes of an angel, watching over me

What Makes a Cowboy

It's a crazy world we live in.  I guess it has always been crazy, but I wasn't around for any other time than the current.  Through my life (high school-college-real world), one thing that has really stood out to me is that so many people live unaccountable lives.  Thinking about it, I think one of the most important things about being a good man (or woman) is knowing responsibility, being accountable for your actions. Don't blame things on others; life is what we make it; the buck stops here; real men take responsibility.

Perhaps that is one of the reasons why SW Missouri is so Republican on a lot of issues (and don't forget the conservative church).  There is an accountability that is assumed...that is expected.  You get what you work for; you don't deserve anything more--or less. Welfare and universal health care will have a hard time getting support around here.  I understand that we should lend a hand to those that are down, but some people need to get a work ethic and a job--and get off the system. 

I am getting a little off track from where I meant to be headed so I will try to redirect a little.  The major influence in becoming a man, like most other men, is my dad.  Through his actions (more than words), he has taught me how to be a man.  He works hard (at the factory and out with the cattle) and takes care of his family. Taking care of my family and community is what I want to be able to do with my life.  I understand that there are going to be struggles that will go along with that, but bring it on.  My dad taught me to be a strong man so I can take it.

For the song below, I was inspired to write it by my dad.  Who not only showed me what it takes to be a man, but a cowboy.  It's not important what you wear--whats important is how you live.

What Makes a Cowboy

I’ve heard it said—that the cowboy way is dead--Like its something that’s been lost in the past
I tell them friend—they’ll be here ‘til the end--So don’t go ‘round talking like that
They’ll always remain—cause some things just don’t change--And thank God that they’re still about
Cause from the experiences I’ve had—when things go bad--It’s the cowboys that are gonna help you out

It ain’t the boots or the hat—or nothing like that
That makes a cowboy a cowboy, no sir
It ain’t the horse or the saddle—that really does matter
And it sure ain’t the buckle and spurs
With strong working hands—a strong independent man
He’s someone who’ll never turn his back
Oh, when troubles surround us—there’s still cowboys around us
But sometimes they don’t wear the hat

It ain’t the campfire jokes—or the Marlboro smokes--That make up a cowboy, my friend
Cause a cowboy’s a cowboy—will always be a cowboy--A cowboy will be there ‘til the end
When troubles abound—and everyone is backing down--The cowboy, he’ll stand and fight
Putting his life on the line—each and every time--To defend what he knows is right

Cowboy’s an attitude, a simple way of life--Ain’t something you wear, its something inside

Oh when troubles surround us--Thank God, there’s still cowboys around us
Though sometimes they don’t wear the hat

(Ironically, we both have cowboy hats on in this photo)

I know I put the link on before, but this should take you to my music page if you want to listen:

http://www.myspace.com/freddiesoul/music