Inadequacy, God, and Girls

Okay, I apologize in advance for my lack of structure or planning in this blog (BTW, as a Public Speaking teacher, I would HATE when people would apologize beforehand for not being good).  I am just going to start typing and let whatever comes out come out.

A big thing on my mind the last couple of days is my cousin.  She had some health trouble yesterday, and they had to deliver her baby at 26 weeks (Think it is supposed to be 50 weeks, right?). Anyway, yesterday when we heard that they were going to do this, they were really unsure if mom or baby would make it. Prayers went up-from me and from many others I am sure.  Thank God that both seem to be doing well now. "Well" is a relative word at this point, but they are as good as can be expected. The baby only weighs 2.6 pounds so she still has a fight ahead of her. Please pray for them. Also, congratulations to my cousin for having a baby. I know it's something that happens every day, but it is still an amazing miracle.

Praying for her--praying for her life as it was a life-and-death situation--kind of made me feel a little silly for praying for myself and my healing. I feel like her situation is a little more important and we should not waste our time praying for less important things. This is not a new feeling because I have thought the same thing other times when I heard about someone dying or getting cancer or something else really bad. I know it is silly because God is so powerful that he can handle all of it. I just need to remember that. My healing may not be important to the world, but it is important to me.  And if it is important to me, then it is important to him.

On a similar note, sometimes I feel bad for praying for myself or asking for prayer because I feel like I don't deserve it. Maybe I am getting in too deep for a blog, but I will go on regardless. This is actually three-fold.  First of all, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I feel there are people that need it more than me. Secondly, I feel like people deserve it more than me.  They are just better people. Thirdly, I have the feeling that God blessed me so much in the first place: a great family, intelligence, athleticism..., but I blew it.  I did not live in a way that glorified God. The doctors and therapists keep saying that the "Old Freddie" is dead and now I must learn to live as the "New Freddie" (Obviously, they mean in a physical and mental sense, not spiritual). I feel like the "Old Freddie" failed. Really, I had all the opportunities in the world to do God's work, but I was too selfish. Once again, I know I am being silly; maybe my 3 "reasons" are true, but that does not mean that God will not answer my prayers.

God is incredibly forgiving, and I am thankful for that.  I am sure that he has forgiven me, but it is hard to forgive myself. If I would have died, like most people do after a 3-story fall, I would have made very little difference in this world.  And the difference that I made has not always been positive. My saving grace is that God gave me a heart for people. At times, I feel like I have really helped some people--through charity or mission work.  But on the other hand, I was a terrible influence on a lot of people. Through my actions and selfishness, I hurt a lot of people--Friends, girls, and even family. Maybe the "New Freddie" will make up for the old one. God must have kept me alive for a reason. Lord, please give me strength to forgive myself and follow your plan as I move forward in life. Please do not let fear or apathy stand as a barrier in my walk.



Change of subject! Though some of the same feelings exist, I will move on to my relationship. Man, it is hard to be in a long-distance relationship. It is even harder because I am going through what has been the most difficult times of my life, and I am doing it without the girl I love (For you that know me well--and I think I mentioned it before in one of my blogs--you already know she is in France). She was supposed to come in November, but due to a family health emergency (is that PC for her uncle got taken into the hospital?), she decided to stay with her family.  While I realize that it was probably the right decision--however, because of me and my selfish way, it really hit me bad. I was so excited for her to come--to see her for the first time since June--I was so disappointed when she did not make it here. But I am really nervous about seeing her again. Going back to the "Old Freddie" thing, it was him that had the relationship with her. I have changed in a lot of ways. Of the things that we used to do, many I cannot do or will not do. Will she like the man that I have become?  I think I have become a better man, but that is up to individual interpretation--and I won't even try to pretend that I am the same guy that she fell in love with.  And, truthfully, I am not the guy that fell in love with her.  Will I feel the same way when I see her? What will the chemistry be like? And is our love strong enough to bridge the gap of two stubborn people trying to do what is best for themself? I guess we will see...maybe...if she ever comes here or, I guess, if I ever go there.

Sorry, I don't mean to come off as such a whiny baby.  I am not such a negative person all the time, I promise. These are just things that I have thought about. There are positives, but maybe I am saving them for next time. :D