Inadequacy, God, and Girls

Okay, I apologize in advance for my lack of structure or planning in this blog (BTW, as a Public Speaking teacher, I would HATE when people would apologize beforehand for not being good).  I am just going to start typing and let whatever comes out come out.

A big thing on my mind the last couple of days is my cousin.  She had some health trouble yesterday, and they had to deliver her baby at 26 weeks (Think it is supposed to be 50 weeks, right?). Anyway, yesterday when we heard that they were going to do this, they were really unsure if mom or baby would make it. Prayers went up-from me and from many others I am sure.  Thank God that both seem to be doing well now. "Well" is a relative word at this point, but they are as good as can be expected. The baby only weighs 2.6 pounds so she still has a fight ahead of her. Please pray for them. Also, congratulations to my cousin for having a baby. I know it's something that happens every day, but it is still an amazing miracle.

Praying for her--praying for her life as it was a life-and-death situation--kind of made me feel a little silly for praying for myself and my healing. I feel like her situation is a little more important and we should not waste our time praying for less important things. This is not a new feeling because I have thought the same thing other times when I heard about someone dying or getting cancer or something else really bad. I know it is silly because God is so powerful that he can handle all of it. I just need to remember that. My healing may not be important to the world, but it is important to me.  And if it is important to me, then it is important to him.

On a similar note, sometimes I feel bad for praying for myself or asking for prayer because I feel like I don't deserve it. Maybe I am getting in too deep for a blog, but I will go on regardless. This is actually three-fold.  First of all, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I feel there are people that need it more than me. Secondly, I feel like people deserve it more than me.  They are just better people. Thirdly, I have the feeling that God blessed me so much in the first place: a great family, intelligence, athleticism..., but I blew it.  I did not live in a way that glorified God. The doctors and therapists keep saying that the "Old Freddie" is dead and now I must learn to live as the "New Freddie" (Obviously, they mean in a physical and mental sense, not spiritual). I feel like the "Old Freddie" failed. Really, I had all the opportunities in the world to do God's work, but I was too selfish. Once again, I know I am being silly; maybe my 3 "reasons" are true, but that does not mean that God will not answer my prayers.

God is incredibly forgiving, and I am thankful for that.  I am sure that he has forgiven me, but it is hard to forgive myself. If I would have died, like most people do after a 3-story fall, I would have made very little difference in this world.  And the difference that I made has not always been positive. My saving grace is that God gave me a heart for people. At times, I feel like I have really helped some people--through charity or mission work.  But on the other hand, I was a terrible influence on a lot of people. Through my actions and selfishness, I hurt a lot of people--Friends, girls, and even family. Maybe the "New Freddie" will make up for the old one. God must have kept me alive for a reason. Lord, please give me strength to forgive myself and follow your plan as I move forward in life. Please do not let fear or apathy stand as a barrier in my walk.



Change of subject! Though some of the same feelings exist, I will move on to my relationship. Man, it is hard to be in a long-distance relationship. It is even harder because I am going through what has been the most difficult times of my life, and I am doing it without the girl I love (For you that know me well--and I think I mentioned it before in one of my blogs--you already know she is in France). She was supposed to come in November, but due to a family health emergency (is that PC for her uncle got taken into the hospital?), she decided to stay with her family.  While I realize that it was probably the right decision--however, because of me and my selfish way, it really hit me bad. I was so excited for her to come--to see her for the first time since June--I was so disappointed when she did not make it here. But I am really nervous about seeing her again. Going back to the "Old Freddie" thing, it was him that had the relationship with her. I have changed in a lot of ways. Of the things that we used to do, many I cannot do or will not do. Will she like the man that I have become?  I think I have become a better man, but that is up to individual interpretation--and I won't even try to pretend that I am the same guy that she fell in love with.  And, truthfully, I am not the guy that fell in love with her.  Will I feel the same way when I see her? What will the chemistry be like? And is our love strong enough to bridge the gap of two stubborn people trying to do what is best for themself? I guess we will see...maybe...if she ever comes here or, I guess, if I ever go there.

Sorry, I don't mean to come off as such a whiny baby.  I am not such a negative person all the time, I promise. These are just things that I have thought about. There are positives, but maybe I am saving them for next time. :D

Healing from the Lord



Just a few days ago, it was six months since I fell (April 15).  Its amazing how much I have recovered. 

Six months ago, I was in a coma.

Three months ago, I was in a wheelchair.

Now I am walking pretty good, starting to jog a little, and getting better in so many other ways.  Its tough to complain about my vision (which I will do sometimes) when I can see the miracle healing that is going on in my life.  So many people have been praying for me: If you are one of them, please continue to do so; if you are not, please start.  We serve the Great Physician and Healer. God made us; he can heal us.

I've Seen Love

Yes, Love is Patient.

And I Know That Love is Kind.

For I Have Seen It.

Love is Sacrifice.

And Its Putting Others First.

Yes, I Have Felt It.

Love. 

I know what LOVE is.

I’ve seen it.  I’ve experienced it.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son.”

Jesus loved us so much that he gave his life and suffered so much for us.  For me.

My church loved me so much that they helped send my parents to me when I needed them in China.

My parents loved me so much that they dropped everything to come and care for me across the world.

Oops, I said “loved.” I meant “love” The all LOVE me so much…

I have seen their love for me. They have shown me what love is. Love is many things.  Love is caring.  Love is putting them first. Love is sacrifice. I will spend the rest of my life trying to show my love. To everyone. 

Just so you know--I LOVE YOU. 

Church 8-28-11

Not only the Good
But through the Bad Times as well
We must look to Him. 

One of the symptoms that I’ve been exhibiting is forgetfulness.  Oh, and sometimes its bad. Sometimes its funny.  To deal with that, the doctors advised me to write things down.  I figure since God is the most important thing in this world that writing what I thought about or learned in church would be a good start. 

As strange as it may seem, the two things that stuck with me the most this week  came from other people than the preacher. 

First of all, a member of the church gave an inspired speech to the congregation.  He spoke of the importance of us to be Christ-like in all things, even taxes and work.  I’ve always liked my jobs, from construction to restaurants to teaching, but I have experienced those moments that I just didn’t feel like being there.  That is the time when we need to get our strength from the Lord and work as if we are working for him.  Almost everybody has a good attitude during the good times, but we can tell so much about people through the times when it is rough.  This time, more than ever, is when we need God.  He should be shining to all those watching.  When people looks at us, they should see God.

Secondly, Rocky’s (the preacher) sister gave her testimony.  It is quite amazing what she has gone through.  Her ups and her downs.  Once she fell down some stairs and broke her hip.  She said she could give many reasons why it happened, but only God truly knows why.  This may sound simple, but it is important to me now because “Why?” is a big question to me now.  What if I had just done this different…?  I sometimes think about the things I might have done different--taken s certain job, gone to Taiwan like I planned, went home at a different time--there are so many things I could have changed to avoid the fall that has forever changed my life.  I cannot focus on why it happened, only know that it did happen and think about how I can make the most of the situation.  Did God have a purpose for me falling?  Does He have a purpose for saving my life? 

God has blessed me; I want to spend the rest of my life praising Him and sharing His love with other people.