Go Cards!

"We did it!"

That's what David Freese said after the Cardinals won the NL Wildcard.  The Cardinals were 10.5 games back about a month ago.  More than any team in history had overcome to make the playoffs--then they made their move.  (And got some luck).  Now they will head to the playoffs!

What's crazy to me is how deep superstitions are embedded into sports.  From lucky underwear to rally caps to dirty helmets...baseball is full of them.  What makes it more interesting is that it carries over to the fans.  I am usually a very logical person, but still I took part in my own superstition.  After talking about the Cards' chances for the playoffs before they lost their game (which I attended) on Labor Day, I swore I would not say anything more about them having a chance.  Not until they clinched the spot did I say anything. 



Speaking of the Labor Day game to which I went to--going to a game this year was one of the things, actually probably the only thing, that I said I  REALLY wanted to do this year.  Last year was the first time that I did not go to a Cardinals' game, and I really felt like I missed out.  Like I was killing a tradition.  See, usually we go for my birthday...sometimes a week or two before, but usually in August.  Last year, we talked about it, but, for whatever reason, never did make it up there.  Guess I will have to start a new streak starting this year!

Anyway, pop open the champagne!  Celebrate tonight.  Then go Cards!  Beat the Phillies!

Little Steps

I have had some breakthroughs the past couple of days.  To you, they may seem silly, but to me--they are actually pretty cool. 

Yesterday, I jogged for the first time.  No swimming pool or harnesses on a treadmill.  I jogged.  Don't confuse me, I did not go for a jog; I just jogged across the basketball court a few times.  I even was able to dribble a basketball as I went.  Sounds simple, but it is the first time I have done so since my injury.

Today, there was another first--I  was out by myself.  My mom dropped me off at the college an hour early.  I walked around, did some things, talked to some people.  Little things, but I did it alone.  Once again, simple, but a step in the right direction.

Man of Reason becomes Fool

Unsuspecting pair
City girl and country boy.
Cupid strikes again.

How else to explain?
Man of  reason becomes fool--
The power of love!

Whether side by side
Or halfway across the world,
My heart will remain.

In Times of Trouble

Everybody deals with stuff in their own way.  I just happen to use music. 

I stared writing lyrics when I went of to college through the inspiration of my Uncle Clay.  My college sweetheart bought me a guitar for my 21st birthday. And my Grandma has led the way in teaching me how to play it.

If something bad happens to me, I write a song.  It is my way of getting something positive from any experience. I can look back at anything and say “well, if that hadn’t of happened, I wouldn’t have this song.”
Maybe it is silly, but it’s what I do.  And now I say I have had few ‘bad’ experiences in life.  I recommend to anyone to do SOMETHING--whether songs, calling someone, talking to God…--when they hit a rough spot.

I have been declared disabled for the next year at least.  There are a lot of negative aspects to that.  But since I have the time, I have been taking guitar lessons and now I signed up for vocal classes.  Because of the negative experience, I will improve my playing and singing.  I may never be a rock star, but music is important to me in this way.  It gives me something positive when finding something can be difficult. 

If you want to hear some of my music, go to my Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/freddiesoul/music
See why I need vocal lessons???

Lucky Guy

I am a lucky guy.  My life is good. 

I get to relax around the house most days.  Play Facebook games when I want (LINGO is my current favorite). I have never eaten so well. I watch the Cardinals in the evenings.  Guitar picking when I feel like it. Spend time with my family; which is GREAT!  I know I don’t say it enough, but I love you.  All of you. So much. I have the most amazing parents that are fun and remarkably patient with me.  Get to be at home for my brother’s senior year.  Play around with my nieces and chill with my nephew.  See both my sisters and play games with them.  Grandparents are around.  Go to church a few times a week.  College and high school friends visit now and then. Like I said, life is good.

BUT…sometimes I lose the positive thoughts and the negative creeps in.  The accident, the fall, the injury, whatever I want to call it, has completely changed my life.  Sadly, it’s very consuming. It’s all about adjustment now. 

• Big City-Small Town
• Independent Living-Back at Home with the Folks
• Competitive Gaelic Football 3 Times a Week-Not Being Able to Walk Straight
• Being with my Girl-Not Being with Her
• Getting around Shanghai-Not driving in Goodman
• Busy with Hobbies-Can’t See Very Well or Focus Long
• Being an Instructor--Being a Student

Life isn’t bad, I know that, but, like I said, the change is consuming.  I ALWAYS feel like the guy with the brain injury,  very rarely I get to be just ole Freddie Jay.  I notice it when…

•  I stay in the car because it is easier than walking in the store.
•  My sister pushes me in a wheelchair because they are walking too “far” for me.
•  I sit in the wheelchair rather than playing with my nieces on the playground.
•  I have to go to the TV to change the channel because I can’t read menu from the couch.
•  I can barely look right or left to cross a parking lot.
•  I constantly am looking for something to hold on to for balance.
•  I paint like a 5 year old…maybe 4 year old.
•  My eyes lose focus during a sermon, and I have to wear my sunglasses…inside…in church.
•  I sit at home because I can’t help at my grandma’s house.
•  I forget everything…people’s names, words, if I took my medicine… 
•  People say I look good or if they say I look tired (both happen often).
•  I struggle to read a news article because of my double vision.
•  I get tired in the middle of the day even though I just slept 10 hours.
•  Too much (normal amounts) of sound or light give me a headache.
•  Sit on the deck that I built last year but couldn’t dream of now.
•  Watch people play sports that I can’t currently play. 
•  I go to the swimming pool and can’t submerge my head.
•  Can’t smell food or taste well.
•  Have to turn up TV so I can hear it.
•  Head, teeth, toes, legs, and about every other body part aches…yes, my teeth hurt.  Strange.
•  I have to get help with about everything

  

These are all things I can overcome, and I am getting better, but ALL of it at once is what makes it so hard.  It is on my mind almost always.  I never feel normal, and that is what is killing me. I just want to feel like myself.  That is something that I think everyone takes for granted.  Feeling like their normal selves.  You never know the value of something until it is gone.  I am tired of thinking of myself as a guy with a brain injury.

 

There are moments, no matter how brief, whether during a game, while listening to a good song, having an interesting conversation, or sometimes after a good dream, where I feel like me.  I forget my problems.  How great that is.  Really, more than you can imagine. 

I don’t know if I will adjust to it; not sure if I want to as I don’t want to get too comfortable.  I want to keep pushing myself to recover.  All I know is that it is hard.  And I would NEVER be able to make it without my family and friends. People who have the strength to forgive me for all my foolish ways and the love to help me in my time of need. 

I don’t want to sound too negative because I am, for the most part, pretty positive.  I just want to get it out of my system. And it’s better to do it on here than in person.  Thank you for everyone for your help. For your thoughts. For your prayers. I need them.  For a positive attitude, wisdom, direction in life, and healing. 

I am thankful for what I have in life.  I am a lucky guy. 

And for those who don’t know what happened:

Tried to fix a clothes-drying rack outside my apartment balcony.  Stood on a futon and ledge; futon slipped; I fell.  3 stories. About 35 feet.  Fell through an awning, hit a sign, then hit the concrete (April 15).

 

Rushed to hospital; spent some time in a coma, they didn’t know if I would make it. Spent 18 days in the hospital without even sitting up before they sent me home.  My girlfriend and parents took care of me.

 

Came back to the US (June 12); had surgery near my brain mainly to stop the leak of spinal fluid leaking from my brain through my nose. Spent two weeks in Saint Louis hospital, then 3 weeks in Missouri Rehabilitation Center in Mt. Vernon. 

Came home to Goodman on July 23. Been doing home therapy since; trying to recover.  My vision, balance, and memory are severely messed up still…but improving.